Giving and Receiving

I've only relatively recently (relative to my 63-year-old life) learned how to say no consistently, when I am asked for something I do not want to give, or do. I'm still not perfect at it, and I still find myself, in moments, in places, or doing things that I realize I should have said 'no' to.

And I have even more recently learned how to ask for what I want. That's been even a harder journey. But what I've learned with both of these things - the saying no, and the asking for what I want, is that when I have clarity about what I want and don't want, my life just feels better - I am much more content.

And most of us aren't taught this as kids. When we ask for what we want as children, we were often told we shouldn't ask, or it is impolite, or selfish. And we often were never given choice about what we could say 'no' to - our consent and autonomy was kept from us. So no wonder, as adults, we have no idea how to navigate this.

In romantic relationships and even friendships, clarity about giving and receiving is important to the health of the relationship. If we can't say 'no' to things, we end up doing things we don't want, eventually perhaps ending the relationship when we burn out. If we can't ask for what we want, we can't receive the things we want from the other person consistently, and thus won't get what we need or want out of the relationship.