I published this in medium.com
One of the enduring questions of the neuroscience of embodiment is the underlying nervous system mechanisms of the relationship between how we respond to threats and how we engage socially. The reason this question is so important is that it determines both how we …
One of the most important concepts of the Wheel of Consent is that choice is central - choosing is more important than doing. Sometimes, even if we're in a situation without a lot of choice, our awareness of our wants and limits can help us make better decisions for ourselves.
The …
I've only relatively recently (relative to my 63-year-old life) learned how to say no consistently, when I am asked for something I do not want to give, or do. I'm still not perfect at it, and I still find myself, in moments, in places, or doing things that I realize …
Self-compassion has been studied by psychologists for over 20 years. One of the primary researchers studying self-compassion is Kristin D. Neff Dr. Neff was the primary developer of the self-compassion scale [1]. This research on self-compassion has distinguished self-compassion from self-esteem, which had been used in the past as a …
What is self-compassion, and what does it have to do with embodiment?
The dictionary definition of compassion is "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering." In the Buddhist tradition, compassion is considered "the heart …
I published this in medium.com
One of the things I said in my previous blog post “The Problem with the Polyvagal Theory” was: “We don’t always need (and will not always find) neuroscientific evidence for why certain therapies or embodiment practices work.” And this is certainly true.
But …
I've been lately teaching a lot about the Wheel of Consent, and it's been really a wonderful experience. And one thing that has felt important for me to teach, and keep reminding myself of, is how we can feel our "yesses" and "nos" in our bodies. How the felt sense …
I published this in medium.com
I fell in love with neurons and brains watching a presentation on neural networks in college. During my junior year, I took a neuroscience course, and was awed and sometimes frustrated by the complexity of how nervous systems worked, even the ones of …
Unlike my usual posts, this post is written for cisgender embodiment facilitators.
Content Warning: lots of explicit language for genitals.
You are a cisgender erotic embodiment teacher with the desire to be inclusive to trans folks in both the language you use and the events you offer. I have some …
Erotic experiences can sometimes be a challenge for trans folks. Some of that comes from our own experience of dysphoria, and our relationship to parts of our bodies that can provide erotic pleasure. Part of it can come from a disconnect between the roles that we think we should play …
Many trans folks, because of dysphoria, discomfort, or feelings of vulnerability, feel cut off from their bodies, and cut off from feelings of pleasure. Truthfully, in our society, many people feel that way for a variety of reasons: ways were were socialized in childhood, trauma, and/or feelings of self-judgement …
We are taught, from a very young age, that we don't have complete control over our bodies. And if we grew up with families that wanted to police our gender, we might have felt that we had to be dressed, and act, in ways that we didn't want. If we …
So far, we've explored paying attention to our body sensations, learning to recognize emotions in our bodies, holding our bodies and ourselves with compassion and curiosity, and finding pleasure in simple touch. In this post, I'll talk about how to experiment with conscious movement, and how that can help …
Our skin is amazing. Besides keeping us intact, and protecting us from the elements, it is also an exquisite sensory organ. And our hands are have the most nerve endings of any part of our bodies except our genitals.
But we are most used to using our hands, not sensing …
In our process to make our bodies truly a home, we need to cultivate self-compassion and curiosity about our bodies, our sensations, and our experience of our bodies. I spent many years repressing and disconnecting from the sensations and feelings of my body, because they were unpleasant. I also judged …
I used to spend so much time in my head. Of course, I inhabited a body at the time, like everyone. But I didn't really feel it much. That's because for so many years growing up, feeling in my body didn't feel good, or safe. So I simply stopped. This …
I spent a long time ignoring my body. I ignored my body because I didn't like my body - it didn't feel like it was "me" - and especially after puberty, I lived entirely in my head. When I absolutely had to pay attention to my body, because I was sick or …
I'm starting a multi-part series on embodiment. You can read here a little basic information about what I think conscious embodiment means. I want to dive into what the journey of embodiment can look like for trans and gender-expansive folks, and how you might embark on your own.
Of course …
Today, March 31st, is the International Transgender Day of Visibility. And as all of the social media, news and emails about this day surround you, remember that no matter what, you, as you are, in this moment, are valid and lovable.
Perhaps you can't be visible, because you haven't started …
The fourth Divine Abode, or quality of heart and mind that is an important part of our practices of resilience, is "sympathetic joy" (mudita in Pali). Sympathetic joy is our ability to find joy in another person's joy and good fortune.
Joy can be, and should be contagious. Often, however …
I started out talking about the “Divine Abodes” in a trans and gender-expansive context in this first post, and followed it up with a post about compassion. The Buddhist concept of the "Divine Abodes" is four qualities of heart and mind which I see as qualities that are important for …
I started out talking about the "Divine Abodes" in a trans and gender-expansive context in my last post. This is the Buddhist concept of four qualities of heart and mind which I see as qualities that are important for resilience.
The second of these is compassion. Compassion is the concern …
There are four qualities of mind and heart which are considered virtues in Buddhism, often called the "Divine Abodes." And cultivating these qualities is an important part of a meditation practice. In fact, these four qualities: loving-kindness (or beneficence), compassion, empathetic joy, and equanimity, are qualities considered important in many …
The Urban Dictionary defines Gender Euphoria as "The feeling a trans person gets when he/she/they are able to start presenting as the gender they identify as and people start treating them accordingly."
My first full experience of gender euphoria was a few weeks after top surgery. I was …
Trigger Warning: explicit names for sexual anatomy.
For many trans and gender expansive people, the traditional, that is, gendered, name for our sexual anatomy feels very dysphoric, and, in some ways, simply wrong. For others, re-claiming those gendered names is an important part of our healing journey.
I don't think …
As a young adult, I often didn't know what I was feeling. I didn't learn what my feelings were, or what to do with them, well into my adulthood. And interestingly, transition has helped me both be more in touch with my feelings, but also to take them more in …
I often teach two specific forms of Buddhist contemplative practice, Metta (the pali word for lovingkindness) and Karuna (the pali word for compassion.) The Metta practice I teach is geared toward developing lovingkindness toward ourselves. The Karuna practice is geared toward developing self-compassion. They are very similar ideas, but slightly …
When we are young, the first place we look toward for validation is our parents and family. If we have a functional family, we get confirmation that we are lovable and loved, and that helps to define a healthy sense of self. It is a natural human habit to look …
It would be great, if under any circumstances, we could say exactly how we feel, set any boundaries we need to set, and be completely authentic in our lives at every moment. The reality is that for many people, including a lot of trans and gender expansive people, we have …
Conscious embodiment is a process, not a destination. Most of us will probably never become fully consciously embodied - but we can get very close. It's especially hard for trans and gender-expansive people, because our bodies have so often been places of both inner and outer conflict.
Are you aware of …
A lot of attention has been paid of late to the increased number of kids and teenagers who transition. What hasn't been noticed as much is the increasing number of people who are over 40 or so who are transitioning now.
I transitioned at 57, after a life-long struggle with …
Many trans and gender expansive people have left the spiritual traditions they grew up in because they were rejected by them. And many have no interest in spiritual community at all - sometimes it's because of the way they were harmed in the spiritual communities they inhabited, and sometimes it's just …
It's not at all uncommon for trans and gender-expansive folks to have cis partners, as I do. Sometimes, navigating issues of gender with a cis partner can be complex, especially if that partner is one that was with you before transition.
I sometimes forget that I have …
One of the most common things that trans and gender expansive folks do is change our names. Changing our name is often a way of living more into our authentic selves. Some change names in a very minor way - just a letter or two to change from one that is …
One of the truths about secondary sex characteristics is that very often, you can obviously see them. Another reality is that for many trans and gender-expansive folks, the presence of some characteristics, or the lack of others, makes us feel dysphoric. Unless and until we choose hormonal and/or surgical …
Relationship researcher John Gottman can identify relationships that will end by the presence of what he calls "The Four Horsemen." The Four Horsemen of Christian Apocalyptic legend brought on the end of the world, and these four horsemen will bring on the end of your relationship, for sure.
Transition, although it is a journey, not a switch, does, in some ways, go from us being in a place we don't like, don't want to be in, and another - a place where we feel good about who we are, and where we are going.
In that old place, we …
Some trans people live in a way that is often called "stealth." That is, they are not out as trans to most (or perhaps any) people in their lives. Most trans people change their names, but some have moved to different towns where no one knows them, taken new jobs …
Transition can be a chaotic process. There are so many things happening in parallel. There's the social transition part, which involves coming out to friends and family, potentially changing your appearance in some ways, often using a different name, and using different pronouns. This involves navigating different relationships, and how …
I've been thinking about this topic for a long time, and a friend recently posted a question about this on Facebook, so I thought I'd dive into this topic. I think, really, this topic is about losing one identity, while gaining another. For me, it was going from identifying as …
I remember the first time I gave myself a shot of Testosterone. I'd been to the clinic a few times before to get the shot administered, and to teach me how to do sub-cutaneous injections, but this seemed special.
I felt like I was on my way to the destination …
When I first started coming out as trans, and was introduced to trans community, one of the things I learned was that many trans people's sexuality changes with transition. That anecdotal information is backed up by science.
Several studies have shown that changes in sexuality are relatively common among trans …
After I decided to transition, but before I started Testosterone, I noticed changes in my libido. And then, about a month after I started Testosterone, my libido reached heights I never would have imagined. I was aroused, basically all of the time. It was actually annoying, as well as quite …
If you haven't ever heard of Lou Sullivan, you should read a little about him. He is considered probably to be the first out gay trans man. For a long time, he was denied gender reassignment surgery because of his sexuality. Back then, gender and sexuality were conflated. If you …
Because of our society's bias toward the gender binary, and the policing of gender norms, a lot of trans people, as well as non-binary, gender-expansive, gender-queer, people feel the need to limit their gender expression.
It's important to point out that gender identity and gender expression are two separate things …
I haven't yet had a chance to write a standard "dating while trans" post here, and given that there is a pandemic on, and that changes dating immensely, I figured I would talk a little about both.
Some people have simply chosen to hold off on dating completely now, and …
This post is primarily for people who have chosen to do HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy.) Your emotions might fluctuate during transition if you aren't on HRT, just because of your choice to come to an authentic expression of yourself. But hormones are really powerful, and can have large effects on …
What does it mean to communicate "consciously"? And why is that even helpful? Conscious communication means several things:
The point of communication is, of course to …
One of the great things about being trans or gender-expansive, is that we're already breaking lots of cultural norms. How about introducing another norm to break: relationships!
The concept of “Relationship Anarchy” is a relatively new one. The term was coined by a Swede …
In my last post, I outlined three aspects of trans resilience. Here's three more. A note: there is some overlap in these aspects, ways in which working on one (such as standing in your self-worth) will help with another (such as respecting your own and other's gender journeys.) These are …
The word "Resilience" has 10 letters, so I felt compelled to use 9 of them to outline 9 aspects of Trans Resilience. This is a series of 3 blog posts, detailing these aspects, three at a time. In future blog entries (as well as in workshops, classes and coaching,) you'll …
I've talked a lot about self-love and self-compassion. So what is "self-care?" It's a pretty common term. Self-care, in my opinion, is a day-to-day willingness to act on self-love.
This is most important in times of stress. Perhaps you just got misgendered, or had a difficult interaction with a family …
~Photo\ above:\ Mack\ Johnson,\ Sydney\ Baloue,\ Christian\ A'Xavier\ Lovehall,\ and\ Sunny\ Marks\ at\ the\ Philly\ Trans\ March\ in\ Philadelphia,\ PA\ on\ October\ 7,\ 2017.\ Photo\ by\ Sydney\ Baloue.\ (From\ 48Hills)~
This blog, this site, and my work is on purpose not about fighting for justice, equity and inclusion for trans …
Coming out as trans or gender-expansive to parents and family can be a very difficult task. You may already know that you'll receive a negative reaction. Or you may be unsure. It can be scary, depending on how close you are to your family. And there may be some members …
You hear “self-esteem” as an important thing to have. There are countless books, programs, and articles on how to boost it. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t a bad thing, but it’s only a tiny slice of the picture.
A while ago, I was sitting on the …
Many trans people call the name they were given at birth their "deadnames." It's a pretty new term. As someone who transitioned later in life, and has somewhat of a public profile, I simply call that name my "old" name - it follows me a lot, and is far from dead …
I found a good and interesting article by Sam Dylan Finch entitled "How Can Trans Folks 'Do' Body Positivity?" It laid out some quite compelling arguments about some ways in which the body positivity movement can be exclusionary of trans and gender non-conforming folks, and how it's hard for us …
HRT stands for Hormone Replacement Therapy. For masculine identified people, this means injections of Testosterone. For feminine identified people, it means taking estrogen. There are a lot of complexities to this, and this blog post isn't about the endocrinology or medicine - it's about what goes into your decision to start …
Dysphoria, the embodied feeling that something with our bodies isn't right, is very common for trans and gender expansive people. For some, it's extremely intense and hard to deal with, for others it's quite mild. My experience with dysphoria has been more on the intense side, and I've struggled with …
Going through transition is a big process. One of the things I heard during the early stages of my transition was "transition is the most selfish thing you can do." I don't know that I agree with this wording exactly, but transition does cause a lot of self-absorption.
I don't …
There are people who think that being trans means that you have to have gone through some set of required steps, such as hormone replacement therapy, name change, or surgery. But guess what? You can identify as trans and use the pronoun of your choice without any external changes whatsoever …
My body and I have had a rough go of it. This is not an uncommon experience for trans people. First, trans people have a higher risk of sexual trauma. Second, our bodies are the locations of both internal and external conflict. We deal with dysphoria, and not liking parts …
My body and I have had a rough go of it. This is not an uncommon experience for trans people. First, trans people have a higher risk of sexual trauma. Second, our bodies are the locations of both internal and external conflict. We deal with dysphoria, and not liking parts …
Dating as a trans, non-binary, or gender-non-conforming/gender-expansive person can be a challenge. Since there is so much gender essentialism and transphobia out there in the world, it can be hard to know when it makes sense to come out to the people we are dating.
First off, it's important …
Resilience allows us to handle the inevitable stresses and strains of our daily life living as trans people. Resilience allows us to find joy in life, even in the face of the micro- and macro-aggressions of transphobia. Here are the five components (or skills, really) that we can develop to …
Gender dysphoria, which is an unease with the physical characteristics of your body, is experienced in may different ways in different people. Of course, you don't have to have dysphoria to identify as either trans, non-binary, or gender-expansive, but it's a very common experience. For many of us, it is …
I was supposed to have some gender-confirmation surgery in late May. With the Coronavirus crisis, all "elective" surgeries are on hold for the time being. I have no idea when those will resume, or when I can re-schedule.
This, or something like this, is true for hundreds if not thousands …
I love the word "resilience." Webster's has two definitions. The first is "an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change." The second one is more interesting: "the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress." At …
Being misgendered is all too common an experience for those of us who are trans or gender-nonconforming. It can be a very stressful, sometimes devastating experience. Most of the time, it's a mistake. When we first meet someone, our brains make super quick assumptions based on a little information. Sometimes …
It's a common theme that if you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. It's not strictly true, of course. You can love someone else even if you don't love yourself, but you won't be able to fully receive the love you are given by others without cultivating love …
