Paying Attention

I’m beginning to feel more back to my normal self, after almost 6 weeks of recovery from surgery. It’s nice to feel like not 100% of my energy is required for the basics: working, healing, and required life things. I have some spare energy now, to think about the future, and enjoy life.

I wasn’t really sure I would totally pass as male after surgery, but it appears that I do. I’ve met several people who had no idea I was trans (until they were told.) I get ‘sir’ exclusively now, and on the phone, when I still have to use my legal name, people are confused. I get no weird looks going into the men’s restroom (I used to sometimes get weird looks in the women’s restroom before surgery, so I guess that was an indication of what was to come.)

And so now, as visibly male to pretty much everyone, things are changing.Β  They were already changing a bit online, on Twitter, in particular.

I tweeted this in response to a friend:

 


Then I tweeted this:

 


I realized that if someone didn’t know I’d been a lesbian, it might be interpreted differently than I’d intended.

That’s what I mean about paying attention. I spent 39 years walking around the world as a female-bodied female identified adult. Gender non-conforming, yes, but the ways in which I related to other humans was as a woman. Relating to other humans as a man is different. And I’m also aware that testosterone has had an effect on my emotional responses – I don’t react or act exactly the same way as I used to.

So I’m working on paying attention. It’s a good thing that has been an important practice for me for the last 30 years!